


lost in the light

by Faye_Reynolds



Series: songbird prompts [1]
Category: Generation Kill
Genre: F/M, Lyric fic, M/M, Person B Getting Married, Post-Break Up, Song Lyrics, all lowercase type, because it was originally on tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13332429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faye_Reynolds/pseuds/Faye_Reynolds
Summary: “so i know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but what the fuck do you mean you’re engaged to be married”!aupart of "songbird" prompts on tumblr; followers sent in a fandom/pairing and i put my music on shuffle and made an au! out of it





	lost in the light

_'m lost in the light...i pray for the night...to take me, to take you too_

when brand and nate first got together, everyone had sort of said it would be a bad idea. 

scribe asked “what if you break up? how will you still be friends? i’ve seen shit like this happen before. i don’t want to see it happen to you.” 

poke told him that it would either end in marriage or heartbreak.

walt didn’t say much except to tell nate to be careful, which, coming from walt, was so odd that it was written off.

everyone had given them some cryptic warning mixed in with their happy sentiments. 

ray just said, “i get brad in the divorce.”

and they’d laughed it off, thinking of it as nothing but their best friends giving them a hard time. 

that was four years ago and as nate looks at the thin, embossed paper in his shaking hands, he can’t help but feel as if the world has played a massive joke on him.

nate scoffed, “save the date. save the date? save the fucking date?!”

he looked at the plain white paper with numbers and letters that all jumbled together as his vision blurred with tears.

he threw himself down onto the floor and for the first time in nearly two years allowed himself to remember the last time he saw brad.

* * *

_after so many words...still nothing's heard...don't know what we should do_

it was a cold december night in boston and nate sighed as he entered the warmth of his and brad’s apartment.

he grabbed a beer from the fridge and crashed onto the couch. it had been a long day full of meaningless bullshit that nate was just a little too tired to handle.

brad came out of the bathroom, “hey, how was you day?” he kissed nate on the forehead as he walked to the kitchen.

“meaningless.”

brad laughed, “i keep telling you to quit and just write full time but you won’t listen.”

nate sighed again, the persistent headache that had been there all day was flaring up again. 

“the bills have to get paid, brad. i don’t think we could live here if we’re both semi-employed.”

brad had moved behind him and whispered in his ear, “they we’ll live on the road, be hermits. i do believe will we succeed nathaniel.”

nate pushed him away and scoffed. 

he really should’ve showered, gone to bed, done something, anything else. it had been a bad day and bad days have a tendency to bring up bad things. and annoying things. and little things that, in the end, enver matter, but in an argument, destroy lives.

instead he got up from the couch and started the argument that would lead to eventual heartbreak.

he doesn’t even remember the entirety of the conversation, little snippets come back every now and then. he does remember constant back and forth between the two of them bringing out everything they’d refused to acknowledge over their years together. and he remembers both of them saying “maybe they were right,” neither willing to admit their friends had a point. 

but it didn’t matter, nothing did. 

because in the end, brad walked out the door and never came back.

* * *

_so if someone could see me now...let them see you_

the tears flowed freely now and nate let them. despite what he’d told everyone, he was not okay. he hasn’t been okay since brad left and though everyone knew it, no one brought it up, brought  _him_  up around nate. 

“hey natalie, you shouldn’t leave your door open man. i mean, any shithead could just walk in an-what’s wrong?” ray rushed to floor where nate was curled up and crying.

ray took in the situation and once he saw the paper, the same one he got in the mail three weeks ago, he knew.

“that fucking dumbass. i told him not to send it to you.”

nate sniffled and wiped his eyes furiously, “you knew?! you knew and you didn’t fucking tell me?!”

nate pushed himself off the floor and began pacing.

“nate, calm down okay. yeah i knew. he’s my best friend.”

“and what am i?” nate wished he could be offended, but his and ray’s friendship didn’t even come close to brad and ray’s. 

ray shot him a look of ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ and pushed nate down onto the couch.

“you’re someone who needs to get his shit together. so is he.”

nate just stared at the paper crumpled in his still-shaking hands.

“ _i hate him_.”

ray laughed, “please, nate you couldn’t hate him if you tried.”

and nate just started crying again, remembering the first time he knew he loved brad.

* * *

_it was my greatest thrill...when we just stood still...you let me hold your hand 'til i had my fill_

it was rare that nate’s anxiety caused him to latch onto someone. he often held a tight control of it and managed it pretty well.

it was also rare that brad both initiated and maintained any form of p.d.a.

so it’s why nate was so surprised when they went to his parents for “the dinner,” that brad held his hand the entire night. it was even a tight grip, like brad was nervous too, even though nate knew he was, it was soft and comforting. like brad was telling him, “i’m here. i’m not going anywhere. we’re in this together.” 

and when nate squeezed brad’s hand as he talked to nate’s dad about his motorcycle and brad looked over with a warm smile, nate knew he was in love. 

he knew that brad held the key to making his world or destroying it. 

he knew that if this ended, he’d never be the same.

* * *

_even counting sheep...don't help me sleep...i just toss and turn right there beside you_

after the tears ran dry and his hands stopped shaking, nate just felt numb and hazey. like this was a nightmare that he just hadn’t woke up from yet. 

ray helped him into bed and said he was staying over. nate just turned on his side and stared at the empty spaced brad used to fill.

he couldn’t sleep and though he tried his hardest to keep his mind blank, all that returned were the memories of happier, warmer times when brad was beside him in this bed.

* * *

_so if someone could help me now...they’d help you too_

nate woke, groggy and eyes puffy, to the sound of pans clashing and ray screaming.

and for a split second he almost said, “brad, tell ray to shut the fuck up.”

they everything came running back and he curled back in a ball under his blankets.

he didn’t want to move, talk, or even be awake. he wanted to sleep until the pain stopped.

then he heard ray scream, “listen ballerina it was a shit thing to do!”

and nate shot up in his bed, ray only called one person that nickname. brad.

ray got quiet all of a sudden and nate rushed out of bed and to the door to see if he could hear ray’s side of the conversation.

“i know...that doesn’t give you the right to...yeah just as bad as before...then why are you doing this?...that doesn’t make sense...you fucking idiot...this is a bullshit stunt and you know it...then just come back...why the fuck not?...whatever it’s your funeral...yeah whatever iceman.”

nate leaned forward because ray had gotten quieter and tripped, slamming his head against the door.

“oh shit...yeah bye mom!...yeah...later...yeah that last race was something!...meet me at the coffee place at five...bye.”

nate cursed as he caught small snippets and then opened the door to find ray making pancakes and acting like nothing was going on.

so nate played along, “how’s your mom?”

ray dropped the whisk into the bowl and nate held back a laugh.

“she’s alive. want me to come visit and shit like we’re some kind of family that does that.”

“aren’t you?”

ray laughed, “yeah but she doesn’t have to act like it.”

nate laughed and realized how long it’s been since he’s had any kind of  _real_  conversation with any of their...his... _their_  friends. 

he watched as ray poured nearly half a bag of chocolate chips into the pancakes and make a proud stack of them before giving nate some coffee with a warm smile.

god, how long has he wallowed in the break-up? how long has he let his friends lives and their friendships go by because everything about them reminded him of brad. he vowed to have a party soon.

as they settle down to eat, nate grabbed ray’s hand. 

“thank you ray. i’ve missed you.”

ray, in rare form as always, “easy natalie, i’m a taken man.”

nate smiled and laughed as ray spoke up again, “missed you too man.”

they ate and spoke as if the time they were distant with one another didn’t exist. it felt so good that nate hadn’t realized what a shit friend he’d been.

they were at the door and after making plans to hang out the next day nate had to apologize.

“i’m sorry, to you, all of you actually.”

“nate, none of us hold against you. against  _either_  of you. though we did kind of warn you dumbasses.”

“yeah, we clearly should’ve listened.” 

 ray spoked seriously, “no, you shouldn’t have.”

and before nate could ask what he meant, the man was in the elevator and headed towards the lobby.

* * *

_they’d help you too...see you through...all the hard things we've all gotta do_

nate spent the better part of that afternoon bracing himself to see brad again.

he knew what coffee shop ray was going to. the only coffee shop in boston brad deemed worthy of his pallette. 

nate smiled fondly before grabbing his “disguise.” his disguise involved sunglasses and a baseball hat that sat low on his head. 

he hoped if he used the side entrance and kept his head behind a book that he would be recognized.

he even wore a different jacket that ray had never seen. 

he’s never been this desperate before, but he just has to know. he has to know whether or not brad is happy. he has to know whether or not his past two years have been the living hell they’ve been for nate. 

 _obviously not, he’s getting married._ nate thinks.

but marriage, especially in the eyes of brad colbert, didn’t even seem to spell out happiness.

nate shakes himself as he walks up to the coffee shop. 

he doesn’t see ray or brad and it’s nearing 5 o’clock. brad was never late to anything in his life. it was a trait that nate found incredibly endearing.

he decides to go in anyway, it was a somewhat large coffee shop and maybe he hadn’t seen them through the window.

he orders his usual and tries to fight off the muscle memory to go to his usual when he notices it’s already taken by brad and ray.

brad back is to him, but it’s enough to make nate’s heart skip a beat.

same hair, same rigid posture, same neck cracking and stretching because brad has a habit of being restless.

nate’s heart aches and he slowly moves to the other counter to pay. 

he watches carefully, slowly moving and waiting for the employee to finish cleaning the table behind them so nate could listen to their conversation. 

he chose to place his back to brad because if he saw brad’s face, he couldn’t be held responsible for whatever he did afterward.

he sat down and slowly took a slip of his coffee as he started listened to their conversation.

“there’s no way you could eat a bottle of ketchup and not throw up.” ray claimed.

nate smiled, god their friendship was on a completely different level. 

“listen here, ray ray, i did it and you can’t prove i didn’t.”

nate let out a small, quiet laugh and nearly broke down at the sound of brad’s voice. 

he felt brad stiffen behind him but ignored it in favor of pulling his book closer to his face.

“fine, you win this one, but don’t think i’m gonna challenge you at your  _wedding_.”

nate dropped the book and nearly spilled his coffee. he cursed but remained still and cool hoping he didn’t blow his cover.

“stop saying it like that.”

“i don’t know how else to say it, except that it’s your  _wedding_.”

brad groaned, “she’s really nice and funny. she’ll give scribe a run for his money and she makes better food that poke.”

nate’s heart had stopped altogether. hearing brad talk about someone else, his  _fiancé_  for fuck’s sake, made him want to curl up and die. he used to be the one brad talked about like that. and though it was both their fault, he couldn’t help but feel guilty over starting the fight and angry over brad leaving.

his emotions were so intense and encompassing that he’d forgot to listen to their conversation.

“...it’s not like it matters. you left.” ray sounded defensive.

“he made it clear he didn’t want me there.” 

ray scoffed angrily and nate sat back up.

“that’s bullshit. you’re my best friend, but so is he. you both deserved better than what you did, but you didn’t go back. why?”

brad sighed and nate heard how exhausted brad felt. like he’d already had this conversation a million times and didn’t really feel like having it again.

“he made it clear he didn’t want  _me._ i love him, but i know where i’m not wanted.”

nate’s would definitely have to visit a doctor because his heart was working overload. 

brad said “love” not “loved.” he still love him and, god, nate was smart enough to admit that there wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t still love brad as much as that day at his parents.

“you’re an idiot is what you are. i told you not to send him the save the date. it  _destroyed_  him, brad.”

nate flinched and collapsed, remembering that brad was getting engaged and that unless nate was willing to ruin their relationship to try and gain back his own, the man he loved would be married in six months. 

brad pushed his chair back, like he was gearing up for an argument, but then just leaned forward.

“i needed him to know, ray.”

“why?”

“it’s the only way i’ll see him again.”

“and?”

“to tell him that i’m sorry.”

nate’s heart started pounding.

“sorry for what? that you walked out like an asshole or that you’re getting  _married_  like an asshole?”

nate started to wonder why ray kept saying married sarcastically, like it wasn’t real, but they brad slammed his fist on the table.

“stop saying it like that ray. she’s a good girl and it’s not fair to her.”

nate couldn’t handle the rollercoaster of the conversation he wasn’t a part of and his emotions.

if brad still loved him, why was he getting married? why had it taken him so long to come back? why was he telling ray all of this and not him? why? why? why?

“and to apologize for everything,” brad sighed again, this time in defeat, “to apologize for not being enough for him.”

ray groaned like he was about to slap brad and make a scene.

he was still listening, when another customer came up to nate and asked if she could sit at his table because all the others were full.

without thinking, because he was always too polite for his own good, he said at full volume, “yeah go ahead.”

he heard brad gasp and started to turn his chair before nate grabbed his book and told the girl, “i was just leaving anyway.”

he was out the door as fast as his legs could carry him.

he was halfway down the block when he heard something that almost made him stop.  _almost._

he heard his name come from brad’s mouth. his name never sounded the same whenever else he heard it. when brad said his name, nate always felt like he was saying “i love you.” and even still, it sounded like that. and nate forced himself not to turn around. not to ruin what brad seemed to have cautiously built for himself after nate ruined everything. 

he kept walking, eventually running until he ended up where his mind clearly though he needed to be.

 he walked up the familiar steps and knocked on the worn door.

when the owner opened up the door in shock, nate collapsed.

“i didn’t know where else to go.” he whispered as the other man ushered him inside.

* * *

_cause this life is long...so you wouldn't be wrong...being free, leaving me on my own_

nate pulled his legs to his chest and cried on gunny’s couch like he did the day brad left.

“drink this then let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

nate took the large tumblr and downed whatever alcohol gunny had put in it and stared blankly at the envelope on gunny’s coffee table that was also on the floor of nate’s apartment.

forty-five minutes later nate brokenly whispered, “he’s getting married.”

gunny sighed, “i know. i got the thing in the mail too.”

nate whimpered, “i don’t want him to. i wanted him. i wanted to  _marry him._  and i lost him. he was right to leave. better off without me.”

gunny got up and sat next to nate on the couch and then promptly smacked him upside the head. 

“you both are so fucking stupid, i can’t believe you’re still alive.”

nate rubbed his head and turned to gunny asking him what he was talking about.

“first of all, our warnings weren’t for  _when_ or  _if_  you two broke up. they were so when you fought or thought of calling it quits, you’d remember  _why_  you were together in the first place. second, anyone can see that that boy is just as lost on you as you are on him,” he held up a hand when nate opened his mouth to speak, “regardless if he’s getting married or not. third, why are you here when you could be out there fighting for what you want.”

nate wiped the tears away that weren’t dry on his cheeks and shook his head, “no. i won’t ruin his... _their_  happiness for my own. i’d rather him be happy with someone else than miserable with me.”

gunny sighed, “you love him that much?”

“i love him that much.”

gunny sighed and poured them both another drink, “well, shit.”

* * *

_if we would try again...just remember when...before we were lovers i swear we were friends_

for an entire week, nate managed to dodge and ignore everyone of their friends reaching out to him to make sure he was okay.

it was harder now that it was a conscious effort to ignore them. 

after that week, he pulled himself up, put on a fake happy smile that he hoped looked genuine and for the first time in a eight months, went to poke’s for his monthly barbeque. 

when he walked into the familiar backyard, beer in hand, he didn’t expect the entire group to fall silent.

nate laughed lightly, “i know it been a while, but you assholes act like you’ve seen a ghost.”

the back door slid open and a voice asked, “poke do you have any sprite, mia doesn’t drin-” 

brad’s voice broke off as his gaze finally reached where everyone else was looking.

as the group looked back and forth between the two men, nate knew he had a decision to make. 

he could leave and know that would be the end of it all. he wouldn’t ever talk to or see brad again and eventually drift apart from the rest of them. or he could pretend. pretend that he was okay, pretend that he was happy for brad, and pretend that he didn’t daily feel a stab of longing and love for the man staring at him right now. 

he took a deep breath.

and smiled as he grabbed a beer from the pack in his hand.

“hey brad, congratulations on the engagement!”

the backyard was still silent, but nate ignored it in favor of handing brad a beer and opening his own.

“cheers.” he clinked them together before yelling at ray to close his mouth before anymore bugs flew in it.

the group laughed, albeit a little awkwardly, and the party was back in motion.

nate felt everyone’s eyes on his, especially the ice-blue ones of a certain someone, but ignored it and focused on what everyone had been up to and what he missed. 

he was talking to walt about the book he was  _still_  writing when a pretty, young blonde walked behind walt. he knew, he just knew that it was brad’s fiancé. and  _fuck_  if that word didn’t want to make nate throw up. he told walt he had to use the bathroom and followed the girl toward the front of the house. he watched as she sat on the front steps and lit a cigarette. 

brad hated cigarette smoke, how could he marry her?

he slowly walked toward her, letting her know he was there and plastered on a fake smile again.

“uh...mia, is it?”

she smiled and blew the smoke to the side of her, taking nate’s hand into her own.

“yes, i’m bradley’s fiancé, and you are?”

nate tried to focus on anything other than the fact that she called him  _bradley_  for fuck’s sake, brad hated that.

“uh, nate. fick. i was...uhm...i’m a friend.”

“you’re nate?!”

she immediately stubbed out the cigarette and pulled nate into a hug.

for lack of a better response, he patted the odd girl on the back.

she pulled back and smiled brightly, and yeah, now nate could see the appeal.

“he’s told me everything about you, god i feel like i know you already.”

“everything?” 

she laughed and wiggled her eyebrows, “everything, cowboy.”

nate blushed and smiled, for real this time.

“he always did have a big mouth.”

she laughed loudly, “i’m sure you took advantage of that.”

and nate laughed with her and god it should’ve felt weird. he wanted to hate her, to be able to look at her and know he was better. but so far he felt nothing but an oddly forming kinship. 

“congratulations by the way,” he said trying to bring himself back down to earth.

she shrugged.  _shrugged._ and god if nate could scream he would. you don’t shrug at marrying the man he loves.

“well it was either this or go back home. i’m happy he’s such a good fr-”

“mia i told y-” brad stopped when he saw the two of them together.

“nate.” and god if the surprise in brad’s voice wasn’t enough to kill him, the “i love you” still in his name the way brad said it did.

“hi brad, you’re a lucky guy.”

“i am?”

“yeah, you have this beauty by your side.”

mia did a curtsey with a small laugh.

“yeah, but not by his bedside, you know what i mean?”

she make an odd face and exaggerated her eyebrows again and nate couldn’t help but laugh in utter confusion. 

“no i don’t.”

she look confused and then angry and then  _furious._

she turned to brad, “you didn’t tell him?!”

brad looked simultaneously scared and annoyed, like he was talking to an older sister rather than his future wife. 

“i-i haven’t had the ti-it isn’t that simple.”

“isn’t tha-listen nate, i’m from canada and my work visa got all fucked to hell and since my girlfriend is gone for the next six months, this dumbass offered to pretend to be engaged to me until she comes back.”

nate just stared at brad who stared at the wood porch under his feet.

mia sighed as though they were insufferable.

“now, i’m going to go use the bathroom and beat trombley at beer pong. the two of you sort this out or i’ll lock you in the garage.”

she left in a jasmine scented flurry of determination and now, for the first time in two years, brad and nate were alone together. 

nate cleared his throat, “she’s kind of in-”

“intense,” brad looked at him and smiled softly, “yeah, i know.”

nate honestly didn’t know what to do. they weren’t getting married. they weren’t dating. mia was gay and waiting on someone else. brad was here and seemingly not going anywhere. and nate was lost.

“so...not getting married?”

and for the love of god, nate hated that that was the first thing he said.

brad laughed, “no, at least not to her.”

nate looked up and found brad much closer than he was before. nate always forgot how quietly brad moved.

nate watched as the man stopped at the last step, sensing the nervousness in nate like he did before...so long ago it seemed.

god nate loved him.

“but you came here,” brad sounded lost, “you came here, even though you thought we were?”

nate nodded, throat closing with emotion. 

“why?” brad was closer, not in his space, still keeping his distance, but nate heard the desperation in brad’s voice nonetheless. 

he sighed shakily and answered honestly, there was nothing and no reason to hide anymore, “i would rather watch you be happy with someone else than not at all. if this was how i could have you in my life,” he looked up and into brad’s eyes, “i’d take it.”

brad took a step closer and nate just watched until the man was right in front of him.

and he waited.

he thought brad was going to hug him or, he dared to dream, kiss him, but what brad did instead, was more moving and remarkable than anything else.

he grabbed nate’s hands and held them. 

the two of them just stood still, holding each other’s hands.

nate eventually whispered, “i’m sorry.”

brad kissed nate’s forehead, “i’m sorry, too. let that be the end of it.”

nate nodded his head.

nate looked up again and found brad’s intense eyes searching his own.

“do you think we could start over?” brad asking, vulnerable and almost pleading.

it broke nate’s heart for brad to even have to ask, like nate hadn’t thought about calling and findingbrad every day for the past two years. like nate hadn’t slept for weeks after brad left. like it wasn’t the end of nate’s world.

“no.” he replied.

brad sunk and went to remove his hands from nate’s but nate held on tight and pulled the taller man back.

“i want to pick up right where we left off. i hear being a hermit in in these days.”

brad laughed happily and pulled nate into hug and lifting him up.

on instinct and muscle memory, nate wrapped his legs around brad.

“still clingy after all this time,” brad murmured against nate’s neck.

nate shrugged, as if he’d ever let brad go again.

“just wait until we get home cowboy, i’ll show how clingy i can be.” nate whispered against brad’s lips before sealing their lips together with a powerful kiss that made everything in the past two years drift away like a faded nightmare.

and ray, tactless and with perfect timing, burst through the front door, “brad your lesbian and trombley are about fist fight, you might wanna get back here.”

and just like that he was back in the house and then burst out again, “oh and good to see you assholes are back, now our bowling league can really take off.”

nate laughed against brad’s chest and relished in the warmth and safety of brad’s arms around him again.

still pressed against walt’s truck, brad kissed nate again, softer and sweeter than any other time nate can remember brad kissing him.

he pulled back and ante slowly opened his eyes to find mischief and joy in brad’s own.

“marry me.”

nate smiled, “i thought you’d never ask.”

nate kissed brad with hot promises of what was to come, but it was interrupted when they both her trombley screaming in pain.

“probably should’ve mentioned mia was a member of JTF2.”

they pulled apart and ran towards the back.

brad’s hand wrapped around nate’s.

the way it would be for the rest of their lives. 


End file.
